Life Goes On

I awoke to this email, titled "Regretfully":


Elle,

I feel like I've kept you waiting long enough-- probably too long, and I owe you some sort of statement.

After weeks of non-stop, painstaking deliberation I've concluded I just can't move forward with dating right now. It's a wildly erratic debate in my mind and the extreme uncertainly of it seems like reason enough to hold off for now. It's definitely made me realize how little I understand of myself, and how much I care for you. I'm beginning to REALLY feel like I need therapy!

I'm terribly sorry to do this via email, but it seemed like the best way to just say it.

I tend to feel like we can still work together and bump into each other normally etc, but I'll defer to you if you feel otherwise.

Also, I realize that I forfeit the right to be "possessive" in any way, or a "caretaker" or whatever, so that's something I'll need to work thru.

I'm so so so sorry big mama for the pain and stress I've caused you. I've meant you no harm at any point but I know I'm a bumbling and clumsy idiot that has not treated you as well as I could have.

Lots of work ahead but can probably discuss this further if you like, tho I feel like we've probably covered all this pretty well in past convos.

I hope this finds you ok big mama. Talk to you later,

j


Tired, hungover, and a bit sick to my stomach/heart, it took me two hours to write back:


Joseph,

I would have preferred to say all of this in person or even over the phone, as what I have to say is quite lengthy. A long, wordy, manifesto of an email will have to suffice.

I called last night to tell you what I've concluded, which is that the process of deciding whether or not to date someone shouldn't require days, weeks, and months of deliberation. People jump in headfirst all the time - for better or worse - because for them, it's too exciting not to, and no one knows what the true nature of each respective relationship will be until they're actually in the midst of it. 

One of my greatest fears hasn't been that you'll hurt me - I've already experienced that with your repeated, contradictory behavior and feelings towards me, which have alternately and simultaneously been exciting and confusing and depressing. One of my greatest fears is one and the same with your own: that I will inevitably hurt you. Even though a big part of me longs to be with you, to be yours in every way, another part of me knows that I'm still not ready to belong to anyone...not even to you, whom I love so deeply. Would I cheat? No. But would I feel trapped and freak out and have panic attacks and pick fights with you to get you to leave me? Probably.

We know each other so well, perhaps because we are, indeed, very similar creatures. The big difference between us is not that you are conservative and I am uninhibited; it is that I am far more self aware than you are. Even though my behavior is sometimes strange and imperfect, I am always able to get to the bottom of its cause and apply improvements and revisions accordingly. You, on the other hand, rarely know how you feel about something until you are too consumed by it not to, and at that point, it's often a huge dose of pain administered all at once, rather than the smaller day-to-day doses that would be easier to manage if you allowed yourself to receive them. Joseph, you've had a lot of pain in your life that extends beyond your distrust of women.

I see my brother, Louis, in the same predicament with marijuana that you once were. His entire life centers around the drug and the stupid toys and the music he's drawn to as a result of constantly being high. He's such a good guy, but he's angry and in pain and trying to avoid feeling any of it. I imagine your immersion in smoking pot stemmed from similar emotions. You downplay - at least to me - how incredibly hard it must have been on you and your family to deal with your brother's mental illness and everything that went along with it. So much of the attention must have been focused on him as a result of his actions, with you taking a backseat a good part of the time. Your brother initially got attention for being athletic and outgoing, then later, for being problematic and troubled. What about you? You've reassured me that you still received proper attention from your parents, but whatever situation we're raised in is our normalcy and it can be pretty difficult to see our upbringings objectively...so I can't help but wonder as to the reality of yours and the effect it had on you. Nobody smokes pot for a decade, all day every day, unless they're trying to avoid some massively bothersome internal shit.

And then your mom, watching a strong, capable woman physically deteriorate...

Two of the most important people in your life are afflicted with ailments beyond their - and your - control, and I know your own various physical and mental afflictions are incredibly frightening for you to fathom. So it makes sense for you to maintain a controlled environment in any way possible, and that, sadly, means not truly letting anyone else into it. Joseph, I represent everything that could potentially throw your world out of whack. Since you have already experienced the pain and heartache and drama associated with your brother and mother, it's terrifying to risk heaping additional devastation onto that which you already carry...and bury.

From my end, holding your emotional well-being in my hands would be a huge responsibility, and one that I wouldn't take lightly. What I realized long ago is that your issues extend far beyond anything we could simply talk out, rationalize, get to the bottom of, and move forward with. We've gone around and around in circles to no avail. Your hesitance to date me is rooted in so much more than my marriage/divorce/record/rape drama, all of which were valid reasons to put on the brakes, but considering our otherworldly attraction and connection, none of those issues are what's truly lying at the core of your fear.  Yes, therapy - not merely self-help books and CD's - is something I emphatically want for you, and I can give you the info of my counseling center, which would be the most cost-effective route, or have my dad recommend someone great. As someone who has been in survival mode for as long as I can remember, I plainly recognize that you're in the same predicament. I avoided therapy for years because I knew it would force me to examine realities within myself that would be excruciating to see. What if it broke me, what if I couldn't function thereafter once I allowed myself to feel the weight of it all? The first month was intensely uncomfortable, but now, I look forward to each session, to the opportunity to dig in and do the work. I am stronger and clearer and can feel the constant growth...even as I continue to experience the setbacks and disappointments that result simply from existing on this planet and partaking in society.

If my trip to New York ultimately served as a catalyst for you deciding, at long last, to seek true understanding of yourself, then it was worth it. I never wanted to inflict pain on you, but rather, had ruled you out as a possibility months earlier. Our incredible afternoon prior to my trip didn't change that, because I knew that the song remained the same as far as your desire to truly be with me was concerned. I figured that as a single woman, I didn't owe you or anyone else an explanation as far as my behavior was concerned. Jerry was a flirtation, a fun fling, but he also took an active interest in my life. He visited his parents in Ohio and sent me a picture of an organ from the 1880's that resides in their living room, knowing I'd trip out. He asked great questions and noticed that my eyes change color and appreciated my sarcasm. There was certainly substance to our communication, mutual interest in each other's lives and passions, and after a month of experiencing that on a daily basis, it didn't seem unreasonable to either reaffirm or deny our connection in person. I wanted to know one way or another so that I didn't continue to put time and effort into someone who may or may not be worth it. I made sure my family and friends had all the info, that I had back-up options if the Jerry situation was a bust. Indeed, it wasn't what I'd hoped for, but at least I know. Better still, that experience helped me to achieve even more clarity as to what I ultimately want in a relationship, when I am eventually ready for something serious. For now, I am drawn to the non-committal type of male as a sort of insurance policy against the type of relationship that could lead to marriage and kids and boring predictability. Having a boyfriend whom I could have fun with and enjoy the company of without things getting too serious too fast? Yes, that's something I'm open to, and what I'd thought, perhaps, Jerry would be.

So what does this mean for us, as you are deferring to me on that topic? Joseph, I can not imagine not having you in my life. Your decision is exactly what I expected following your emotional eruption, as you only seem to want me when you think you've lost me. The possibility that you could have me always brings you back to your senses. With zero manipulative intent, I am telling you now: you can not have me. I will, however, be your friend and creative partner without condition. If so desired, I will be your confidante, sounding board, honest council. I care so deeply for you and suspect I always will, but I deserve to be pursued with conviction and without hesitance. Anything less than that is detrimental to my own emotional well-being, as the mixed signals are too much of a mind-fuck to be healthy. I knew this already and had fully owned my decision, but your reaction to my trip was momentarily confusing and caused me to re-examine my convictions anew.

What I need right now, and desperately so, is my music producer. I need assistance and advice on the damn album artwork so that I can release the record. Is the whole world waiting with baited breath? No. But for my own sake, for the sense of accomplishment and completion, I need this to be done. Please, sit down with me, guide the process a little, and then let's be done with it. I have shitloads of marketing ideas and need this record to be available to the world at large. And then I want to make another record, and another one after that, and if you want to be part of that, great. If not...if it's too difficult emotionally...I'll understand. But I feel like this...all of this...needs to be done so that a new chapter can begin. I can email you what I have so far, and then I need to have something uploaded to TuneCore by Sunday, have a release date officially set, and move on. Please?

I'll be around until 2, if you want to talk...about you/I/music/therapy/whatever. 

Elle

And he simply responded:

Elle, thanks for this. I think a written manifesto was good, obviously there was lots for you to say & for me to digest.

I'm working all day, but by all means send the album art. Are you still unhappy w/ it?

And I sent him the album artwork and, as requested, he gave me his opinion. I had a good therapy session, rife with epiphanies; a great modeling casting, which might lead to catalog work; and now Leann's coming to swoop me up for a much-needed night out on the town. Obla-di-obla-da, life goes on, oh, nananana, life goes on.

Pretentious Indie Song of the Day: